The needle pierces my epidermis

It is fasinating to watch yourself be pricked, and from the line comes art... Hello butterfly tattoo. Inspire me to be free, more than skin deep.

God Givith and He Takeith.

So merry xmas.
i find out that the second person from my graduating class has died.
On xmas day. in a hospital.
her number is still in my phone.

im numb, i cant believe it. its not fair, and i know everyone is hurting. why on xmas?

Merry xmas. at least shes up there to enjoy the birthday party.

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Mind....

You know, i try so hard to enjoy the holidays.

The most wonderful time of the year, my ass.

Silverware?

I believe in the power of plastic eating utinsils.

If i werent getting a butterfly tattoo, i would tattoo a reminder to be the metaphor upon myself. Or Most Beautiful Plague. Im like that. Walking contradiction.

Can't sleep... Clown will eat me. Can't sleep... Clown will eat me.

Destiny.

I remember writing this novel over a period of two years. and then i dropped it.
as i read through it, i remember how i felt. how i wanted to feel when i wrote it.

i think i may pick it up someday. maybe for an hour a day. we shall see.

Facebook Statuses!

Does it count as a college sterotype to be so excited for making real food that im standing, watching and waiting for the water to boil?

Purple.

next time someone answers the phone with "yellow" instead of hello, i'm going to scream a random color and hang up:)

Free my Butterfly.

there is a certain crispness in the air.

i feel it everytime i step outside

and breathe.

i feel you out here,

how you intertwine yourself in my sight

when my eyes are closed, tight, shut.

its a messed up feeling inside of me

i feel it in the cheeks when i bite

the inside of my mouth, suppressing

how i feel, what i long to say.

just stay away from me.

you're tearing me apart

as you mold me like clay on a wheel

i feel my identity being stripped away.

bare, bricked, boom, im down on the floor

pieces of my skin and brain and eyelashes

pushed and grinded into the rug

shredded like a moth by the flame in which it flies...

just walk away.

im tired of being destroyed.

im tired of trying so hard.

Song Stuck in My Head...

"Cheap wine and cigarettes,
this place is always such a mess.
Sometimes i think i'd like to sit
and watch it burn."

Acting Concept.

Be I animal, place, object, or person,
be i abstract, a who, a where, a why, or a how,

i am a metaphor.

Thanks!

So ive figured out that is something about thanksgiving that makes it really good or really bad for people. Facebook has brought forth this discovery.

Are You Carrying a Textually Transmitted Disease?

You know you've been textually active when 'lol' becomes part of your everyday language.

Insomnia FTW.

Well hi, four am. Its been about 72 hours. How ya been?

Naive.

We are most innocent when incompasitated... This is what the world portrays.

Will I Be Known as the "Overdramatic Pill Popping College Freak"?

i am convienced i have an anxiety disorder. like, for real.
i've taken like ten tests in the past hour that ive answered very truthfully on, and on a scale of 1 to 100 in always an 85. it makes sense, as i freak out in new enviornments, but cover it up by being extremly outgoing to cover it up. i grind my teeth, whih causes headaches and my tmj. i record my schdule in three different ways to manage time, and refuse to divate from it. i set two alarm clocks. i freak if plans r changed, like totally flip. i need to have things organized but cleanliness is not my top priority, and thats okay. i need control constantly.and its only gotten worse with moving here to college.
and theres even more evidence to that!!!
Its insane!

So what else is new? hahaha!

Thank You BOT 155

The flowering dogwood trees are starting to change color. This makes me happy.

Reading a Graduate Student's Short Story.

...It's like taking a cheese grater to the heart.

Spell Check.

Would'nt life be easier if there was
a built in spell check for our lives?
our triumphs? our hatred? our winnings? our dispair?
I could lay down my life how i please,
and at the click of the button,
change the way it was to the correct rendering.
because i'm sick of looking back...
with spell check i could go forward.

As i Watch One...

Why can't life be like opera?

I Need Out.

The days are becoming a huge blur. So fast..... Thank god.

It's Not a Big Deal.

Bad times, bad times, we all go through the bad times
and inside,
it tears us apart.

He turns to her, hoping for a warm body to lean against
but she's just a shadow
present
no more.

She's trying to offer what she can,
but after offering it all
what is left?

Bittersweet sunsets, angst against the morning, we all fall down,
and outside,
faces crumple.

She is paralysed to a state of loss and diminishing,
but all he can do is be distracted
unnoticing
not his fault.

He's all ears and eyes he thinks,
but reality is a bitch,
ain't it?

cinnamon sugar afternoons with a touch of blasing sun, we all squint.
and in between,
understanding takes place.

She realizes the feelings can pass,
he realizes that truth is never found.
they can overcome.

He takes her hand, she takes his,
what is there to fight about,
anymore?

Fucked up mornings, screwed up days, lonely evenings,
we all go through hell
and in the end,
all thats left is you and me.

The City Misses You. (Homesick)

Do you know how much the world misses you, my dear?
the city misses you.
i hear it cry in the rain it drops
and in the wails the wind releases at night.
Do you know how much the world misses you, my dear?
the trees miss you.
i taste in the the fruit it bares
and in the rustle of leaves under feet.
Do you know how much the world misses you, my dear?
the sidewalks miss you.
the cracks seem to swallow the landmarks around us
and the grass seems to avoid growing.

Do you know how much the world misses you, my dear?
Everything misses you.
with the meloncoly colors of the sky and the flowers
i can't bare to not say it anymore.
Screw the metaphor.

Do you know how much this individual misses you, my dear?

Food Faces In Everyday Places!

Started a new blog for a hobby: Food Faces in Everyday Places.

Animal Observation Project for THE 131

This poject makes me miss writing stories like i used to. i used to love breathing life into characters with the ink i worte with. now, for college, i get to do that with spine shape and breath. amazing.

Alone and Lonely. But Why?

I know i belong here at college. but i dont feel like i belong with the people around me. i wish i had friends like i had back in Columbus. but these people are different.

i miss the familiar.

i miss home.

i hope it gets better, it probably will. but for now i feel like the odd one out that everyone thinks is really ackward and selcusive. i'm not like that. why am i acting like i am? its terrible, this feeling. knowing you belong someone but no one else thinks you do.

I hope after these next couple weeks it will heal. i hope so. but probably not. next year it will be better. i wish i just could find a way to cope with this that isnt destructive to myself. it seems everything i do is.

Sigh. i guess being myself around these people and trying to maintain excellence clashes. but i need excellence more than i need myself.

The Elevator in Pearson Hall, 10/20/10

At once i smelled the musty, sharp
acidity of metal on cable
and the walls began to shudder
and become alive.

At once i felt the quake of an
unquakable box and the
resounding high pitched "beep" of the
floors passing over my ankle, my hips, to my head.

At once i feel the panic,
the doors closing in over my face; cold.
cold metal pressing into my epidermis layer of skin
as my knuckles turn white around a metal railing.

At once my knees are locked, too stiff,
lights fliceker before my eyes, beads of sweat,
my thoughts are passionate, deep, shallow, typical,
just as its about to fall, it stops. it opens. i'm out.

I'm a thorough woman.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

irristably drawn to release that....

I've found my biggest pet peeve. people who try to broadcast their talents (or lack thereof) when every they see human lifeforms. i hate it when someone starts randomly singing in a crouwd of people, and the others are so annoyed they just listen. i hate it when the musicisans sit around with their guitars and play loudly, with no respect to the quiet people wanted around them.

true talent is something you should keep to yourself, like a secret, until someone asks for you to unleash it. this is what talent shows and audtions are for.

sure, self expression is awesome. but when you are doing it to simply try to show off or for your own selfish needs, its not talent anymore: its blasphamy.

Everyone says it could be worse, but i see it as already terrible.

I stood up against hate. I feel invigorated now.

Property.

Sometimes Max Bemis tells it like it is. these are his words.

Propery, by Say Anything

Don't you go leaving
Baby I'll find you
Tell all your secrets
No one will want you
It's for your own good
I know what's best for you
If you won't sleep with me
There'll be no rest for you

Until the day you're broke
Until you drop and choke
I'll be your man
This much I know
Until the empire falls
Until you think it all

You gave your love to me
And now you are my property
You've sold your soul
You can't retrieve the love I stole from you
It's true, deny with everything you do
You're my property
You're my property

Sell you into bondage
Baby I own you
You'll entertain all my friends
Dressed in the latest trendy frocks
You better tattoo that I am your patriarch
X your ambition
Soon you will fear the dark
Cause I work in your bed
Till the day you see
That you mean nothing to me
Until the day I find
Someone to fall in line
Without a single sin
Without an opinion

You gave your love to me
And now you are my property
You've sold your soul
You can't retrieve the love I stole from you
It's true, deny with everything you do
You're my property
You're my property

Baby, I know you've got all those crazy, lofty goals
Going to art school and following your dreams an whatnot
Blah blah blah
Just throw it to the side
You know I can support us all on my own
And worst case, I'll just have to sell some drugs to my little brother's friends
If you do have to sell your body
Once, or twice, or seven times
It'll be worth it
And trust me, one day my band is gonna make it
And this will all be just a distant, distant, dream

Until the earth's removed
Or daddy don't approve
Whatever happens first
Depending on my mood


You gave your love to me
And now you are my property
You've sold your soul
You can't retrieve the love I stole from you
It's true, deny with everything you do
You're my property
You're my property
You're my property
Hahahahahahaha

Shatter.

Bittersweet memories of broken glass.

the shards crushed under our hurried feet.

Whispering cracks that shed the wind between them.

and the sadness of a lost comfort sphere, caked in red.

Small, hard, and cutting.

College Tomorrow

Hardest car ride home alone ever. Knowing the life im leaving behind, and the empty room i was going home to. I probably almost crashed, but i couldnt see. The tears were too thick.

Rosemary sea salt foccatchia. Lemon walnut scone. Apricot, strawberry, and crunchy sugar butters.

I love my hair... When it listens

Twenty four days til college.

Definition

Fast living: coasting through your life on high speed, as you are afraid of the commitment, persuasion, and promice of finally stopping to smell the flowers and ponder why you are doing this.

Sometimes I Feel Like a Failure (05-13-10)

Sometimes i feel like a failure.
life has been a tug of war, and i am
pulled to lose, whether i want to or not

subtly pulled by an invisible thread of light
with an unwillingness to actually wake in the morn
sometimes i feel like a failure.

although sometimes, i gather my strength and leap
it seems the inch i percieved is a really a mile, and i'm
pulled to lose, whether i want to or not.

possiblities pass you by, the days seem endless.
my emotions are pulled too and fro like a pendulem-
sometimes i feel like a failure

Everything else just doesnt appear to matter
if i lose myself in my focus, and if i lose it i'm
pulled to lose, whether i want to or not.

I'm disappointed in myself, others disappointed in me.
i'm silently screaming, forlorn and lost in sadness.
sometimes i feel like a failure
pulled to lose, whether i want to or not.

Comments

Sometimes, i absolutly abhor my job.

I Had A Roller-Coaster Evil Upside Down Day

.... and from it, all i have is a sad heart.

A Text Message I Received

hey, you, with the hair.

i love you. which is why i called you in the first place.

but yeah. youre always on my mind. its not fair.

GRRR

Somethings in life are just perfect for fucking you over. I should be happy but im not. I yearn to aviod everything and my private business has been made public. Is this how you wanna play, clouds? Screw this. I'm tired of it.

Letter

To all the sadistic sardonic and rapacious strangers and familiars:

STOP JUDGING ME

Thank you.
Sincerily, Mari T.

I am so close to being a graduate i can taste it in the coffee i drink.

hey. you.

I dont want to be exsposed, imperfect, and incomplete. Its what i am if you arent there. So be here. Apparently im complete when your in the room

Stop yelling for once in your life and start listening.

Sardonic and callous.

Wow. My senior year. Got a four point o for the first time, saw say anything, did two plays, got into college, and lost my cats and my dog. Oh my god im so excited for whats next. Btw... Thats sarcasm.

Rest in peace Moose. You were the best dog ever. You touched my father and my family and friends in the best way possible. I will love you forever.

What a confusing day.

Great gratefulness

yeah prom was yesterday. it was okay. i felt really pretty. i worked for it and i got it :) my mom really helped with it all. so grateful.

Worried i wasnt going to get to go to college because of these money problems. two teachers calmed me down. grateful.

was told to call the professor that supports me. he said he would take care of it. so grateful.

im glad im grateful theses days. it makes you more mature to recognize those who really make your day. it also makes you realize the reason why you do the things you do. i have plans now. im drivin. im going to college, and leaving some people behind... and i'll be grateful for that.

Found the word 'supercillious' while reading lady chatterly's lover. Tickled.

You know when your sitting down and just thinking, and you realize how much you miss certain things in your life? I remember how my cat used to feel on my lap at times like this. And then i start to feel incredibly lonely.

Human?

what makes a human
a human?

its the way their feet move when they are
first taught to dance.

its in their eyes when they first discover
the feeling of dirt in their hands.

Its the startled movement in the shoulders
when they first hear the piano keys strike.

its in the way their heart beats
as they lean over the stairway's railing.

its in the movement of the legs
when they hop on their first bike.

Its the admiration in their bodies
as they watch another hammer with nailing.

Its down within the deep recesses of the lungs
when they huff and puff while playing tag.

Its the tearing apart feeling in the stomach
when betrayal burns like acid in the lining.

Its in the ears that are plagued
with "slut" and "ass" and "fag".

Its in the relationships that are held,
with trust, honor, and rings binding.

How are we human? We let them starve in the streets.
How are we human? We build and we destroy.
How are we human? We let ourselves trust.
How are we human? We start wars; promises we can't keep.
How are we human?

I guess we are.
Human, i mean.
just not humanists.
So celebrate the light side of Human nature
and the rest will fall within it.

To Know How I Feel

To know how I feel
You would have to dig inside my brain, and trust
Me, it’s not the cleanest place to be
Along with the fractured images of nothings and
Nobodies
And the quietness of the crunching leaves
Lies soiled dreams and empty thoughts
Made up glances and love delusions lean.
The loss
Of a smile.
The gain
Of a frown.
The silent music in my life that blares so loud
It fills up my lungs and my vessels and screams salvation;
Haunts my sleep with chuckling ghosts
With the taste of bitter victory on my tongue;
And sweet, sweet pollen dust
Coating walls of images that come to my mind whenever I regret
Or think or remember.
I remember.
I always will.
You won’t be able to use a shovel.
You won’t be able to use a rake.
It’s silent within.
It screams within.
Ultimately, it will kill me within.
Ultimately, it will resurrect me within.

Grey's Anatomy Makes Me Think Too Hard

okay, for all those who have seen gray's anatomy knows recently about Owen, Christina's love intrest who suffers from pos tramatic stress disorder.

not only do i love his character, i love that actor.

he is amazing.

i think i will hunt down and date a red head in college.

tattoo

Im eighteen years old. I got myself a tattoo. It was, felt, and is amazing. I see why its addicting!!!! Im just happy im this age finally... It gives a sense of freedom!

I just keep going on and on like this. Makes feel reflective. Makes me question myself. Makes me feel like i dont exist.

Fairy Tale

Warmth.
There once was this woman who was cleaning her attic.
As she complained to herself about the dust, her allergies were acting up in responce, and she was frusterated. when she was frusterated, she would clean. so she found herself up in the attic, cleaning away the cobwebs and dust from boxes that were long closed. she sneezed, closing her eyes, and her hand fell on a box, and her fingers were instantly gritty. Damn, she thought, pulling her hand away slowly, and opened her eyes. it was a perfectly normal looking box, but her heart flickered suddenly as she realised she was gazing upon the box that her mother had stored up here so long ago.
the woman opened the box with careful fingers, fingers that were primed for wiping baby tears and checking the temperature of soup on a cold day. she smiled as she looked upon the love letters that her father had drawn out for her mother, sealed with tears, kisses and love. the faint scent of her mother's perfume swirled lazily up at her. the smile grew larger and more melancolic as she plunged her hands in, feeling the crisp and thin papers. underneath these, she found ribbions that she recoginised from her young days, still clinging to a strand of soft brown hair. she sighed and dug deeper.
her hand brushed against something soft and warm. she wrapped her fingers around it and pulled it out gingerly. it was a ball of light green yarn. she smiled at it, looking it over. her heart suddenly was no longer melancoly from the feeling of having to say goodbye to her parents. she was so fasinated by the ball of yarn she didnt even question where it had come from. she merely stood up, grabbed her cleaning surprizes and descended the latter.
She placed it on the kitchen counter, and started to boil the pasta, occasionally turning to pause and stare at the light green ball of yarn.
at exactly five, her daughter walked in the house, forgetting to take off her shoes as always and clunking through the house to get to her room. she stopped short at the sight of the yarn.
"Why is there a random ball of yarn on the table?"
her mother exsplained she had found it in the attic.
"Looks like you can knit a really good blanket out of it," her daughter said.
the mother smiled and told her to take it. her daughter grinned and grabbed it eagerly, not noticing how her mother winced. surely a ball of yarn as prestty as that one should have been handled gingery.
The daughter started the blanket that night, sitting in front of the Tv, counting stiches and thinking pensivly about what accesories she should get the next day at the mall with her friends.
the yarn was smooth on her fingers, and soon she was sleepy. She put the yarn aside and went up to her room, and checked her email for the last time. a message told her that the cute guy from chemistry class had asked her friend about her. she smiled.
the daughter fell asleep with the cute guy from chemistryclass's smile in her mind's eye. For some reason, she felt extremly content and fell asleep immedieatly.
The rest of the school year raced though spring and the blanket was finished before the year ended. the daughter enjoyed stretching out on it in the grass at the park with her friends, and blew dandilion seeds around. her friends has larged smiles also as they rolled around on the blanket that warmed their stomachs. The cute guy from chemisty class was around a lot now, making friends with the group that were all going to college together.
Graduation came, and the mother watched her daughter walk across the stage and recieve her dipolma. after hugging her, realising her heart was breaking, she escaped for a second saying she had to use the bathroom, and made her way to the car to gather herself together. she wiped her eyes on the soft light green blanket, and her tearing heart seemed to seal.
Two months later, the daughter moved into her dorm room. as her father moved boxes in, he felt void being placed in his heart. he reached into the box he was carrying and pulled out the light green blanket, and spread it out on her already made bed. he prayed she would find a new home here. The cute guy from high school chemistry class popped his head in, and the father told him that his daughter was out getting boxes from the car.
The cute guy from high school chem class started to be around a lot more. he leaned over and kissed the daughter one day as they sat on the light green blanket as they sat studying in a field.
Love made the days brighter for the daughter, and she would call home grinning and gushing about the day she had, how cute she was, how much she missed them, and how much she needed a home cooked meal. the days seemed to grow shorter and shorter, as time doesnt wait for love to fully bloom through the days,and days can never seem long enough. with the relationship came the fair share of fights, kisses, butterflies, flowers and good times.
the heat started kicking on in the dorms, and the daughter got a new comfertor and folded up the light green blanket. she put in on top of her closet shelf. and the relationship started going stale.
she would complain, he would ignore her. she would beg him to come home with him, he would declare he was going to his house that weekend. he would snap, she wouldnt talk to him for weeks. her tears flowed, and he seriously consitered breaking it off as he sat next to her, feeling only annoyance.
she called home, and when asked about him by her mother, she made some stupid excuse that he was busy with school work. her mother senced the sadness in her voice, and couldnt help but know that love doesnt end well most of the time.
He didnt call for a week. She hardly left her room. in a rage she through her comforter on the ground. in a depression she took her light green blanket off her closet shelf and wrapped herself in it.
her mother sat at home, thinking of her dead parents who were together for sixty years, fighting, bickering, but ultimatly, loving. though times were tough, the couple never gave up. they grew with eachother, got married, raised children, and grew old together. when she died, he followed three weeks later because he couldnt bare to live without her. if she could make it with her husband, why wasnt there a chance for her daughter?
The days went byslower and slower, and she felt him slipping away. with him, she slipped away inside of herself. she wrapped herself in the light green blanket and closed her eyes, praying for the pain to be taken away. it was cold, different, and alien to her soul. she couldnt bare it, she couldnt. please make it go away. please-
a knock on the door. she sat up slowly, looking at the door with surprize as she heard her name.
"please open the door."
she walked open and opened the door. he saw her standing there with sad eyes, wrapped up tightly in the light green blanket.
"i miss you." he told her quietly. she looked up into his eyes, searching to make sure it was the truth. it was.
the next time she called her mother, the smile was back.
The blanket went on to live in a new house, on a new bed that the daughter and her new husband shared. soon, the blanket even wrapped nicly around a new baby boy.
it goes to show you, when something passed on is taken to heart, used, and appreciated, that something can stay around forever. the blanket that was tainted with love went on to taint the little house, and taint the lives of the family forever.

bricks.

Im running and all i keep doing is getthng pulled back by invisible ropes while running into a brick wall. Rawr!

My life is all hot fudge sundaes, hamlet and telling the story. Im tired.

Oh my tortured, tortured mind. Stuck between what quiet people do and what is right.

The Cause of Dreams, Jan 3, 09

Found this the other day.....

I dreamt last night that
i was flying-
when i woke up it was true.
my mind was lost,
my body floating.
i think i did or took
something that caused this.

i dreamt last night that
i was alone-
when i woke up i found it was true.
an unmade bed, a broken heart
the shattered remains of
a soul, something.
what caused this?

I dreamt that last night
i had him-
when i woke up it was'nt true.
he had never held my hand,
smelled my hair.
he was a million miles away
and somehow that mattered
more than it did
before.
what caused this?

last night, i dreamt
i had died-
when i woke up i found i was dead.
i had nothing, alone, not him. im flying
hoping i'll crash soon
because it feels so right, this dying.
what caused this?

I thought it was quite funny to take a look back and see what i wrote when i believed i was in extreme pain... i can't even remember why i wrote this. goes to show you, nothing that happens to you must be a big deal.
you know those days you stopped in the middle of your activity, took a deep breath, and said, "i will never forget this day."?
usually i dont. but these days, i feel i have.

Rapacious.

We are reading Hamlet in Ap Lit. all i can think about is poetry.... i went on a blank verse rant for my own soliloquy. Hamlet Act 3 Scene 3.

Life just keeps going on and im frusterated as ever. i just cant help this frusteration now. its tiring!!!! oh well. we will just keep tredging on in the puzzle called life... lately, the picture has been more complicated then i can imagine.

This overwhelming exhastion and underwhelming success must be diminished. I cant take it. Im too tired for it. Must we resort to 'mandatory'? Must i throw away the pieces? Sometimes i feel like the highest person on the mountain, and then i feel like the lowest speck on the bottom of life's shoe. All this rollercoastering is causing this overwhelming urge just to sleep my life away. I yearn to stay awake and try to change it but it is impossibly strong against my will. Theres no changing it. Only enduring. So i will lay here in this cold, dark room, and contemplate jumping off the mountain.

The Barbed Wire Beginnings.

First of all, im starting off saying that i have ben accepted into Miami university of Ohio, and its Fine Arts programmmmm! the crowd goes wild!!!!

so exciting!

but these past few weeks have been pretty nerve racking. the play is coming up, the black history month presentation is coming up, and all these memories are flooding back and its hard to deal with them. first of all, im impatient, and being impatient just catalyzes the craziness i feel. seriously. all the complications come from this jelously that i want things to be nice and smooth, not strewn all over and discombobulated. thats life.

its barbed wire.

my obsession sophomore year, which led to a downfall, which led to words left unsaid and the grudgingly movers. how does one withhold the barbed wire? i used to draw it all over my skin, all on my hands, along with the blue hearts and the black hearts. blue hearts dont fade. black hearts absorb all the pain. i did and it hurt me and it always will. but this going back to the beginning is haunting me in my sleep...however, all i want to do is sleep.

im a confused little girl. all these thoughts come and go and i get angry then sad then so, so happy.
I think thats why i love doing puzzles so much. its all mayham and anger... and then it all comes together with such a beautiful cadence my heart sings. its calm. i can control it.

in ap lit, we have started Hamlet. maybe shakespeare will calm my anxious mind... bandaging these barbed wire obsessions that come along with this puzzle.

dah duh. dah duh.

dah duh dah duh dah duh dah duh...... wheres the duhdadadaduh?

waiting. wishing and a hopin and a prayin. when all the signs seem right it is eerily scary to me. but, is it meant to be? if you believe in naturalism, you know its coming inevititably.... has my time come yet?

i need to breathe. relax.

hmmmm

Flash back to my sophomore year. I was an idiot. But now, things fall into place, and a possible puzzle piece comes. I wonder. Hmmm. Excited, arnt we.
*Mari-ocity!*

DOWN WITH COMPLICATION

I dont know what it is about the complicated things in life that we face and our tendancy to gladly put them off of our path to our goals. Personally, i believe all things complicated should be deleted... Wait. That means i would be deleted.

Trying to Deal

Trying to deal... Somethings, like the puzzle, just dont seem important anymore. And i try but i cant stop thinking how lonely i feel at night without them here anymore. Its quiet and cold. I cant sleep without a soft robe. I just cant sleep.

Momos, after sledding fun: in the bathroom, fixng my hair, looking at mirror, runs into corner of wall, smacing hand in mouth. Huge bruise. Line down face.

Sledding to be Placed on YouTube

a bunch of us are meeting at seven pm for an exhilerating sled fest. it shall be extrordinary.
Im going to pick up the bassist, the flower and the chili pepper, and shall meet the soprano, the e. bunny, the microphone, the subaru driver, the candle, the truck, the dog techie, and most likely one of the puzzle pieces. there might be more, all i know is the panda cancelled and the guitarist and the alto are not because the guitarist is sick. hmmmm.

i find this quite entertaining that a bunch of teenagers are going to meet in the dark to sled. i think its quite fun.... im excited, not only because i get to spend yet another amazing night with my insane pals, but i also get to potentially kill myself ;)

so i had this insane dream... to the point i woke up thinking it was real.
i was sitting in a room with the chef, and she decided we were going to my aunts house. we walked over with a plate of mace cookies. when i got in, i said my hellos and i heard a meow... my past cats ran up to me, rubbing themselves against me, and i cried, "oh my god, you arnt gone, you arnt dead!" and the chef told me that she couldnt bare to see me so lonely, and how horrible did i think she was? she had sent them here, so they were close but not in her house. i cried i was so happy. i felt sasha's whiskers and her fur and the warmth ive longed for so much... and i woke with a start to the chef and the butterfly smiling at me... after they walked out, i lay back and i felt like the rollercoaster was over as i came to the realization that i would never, ever, ever feel the warmth of her fur again... god im tearing up right now. im ripping apart into separate pieces because they have my heart. and ill never get it back.

besides the underlying vien of frusteration and depression, im so happy with my life right now, its all coming and going and speeding along. thank god. i swear.

Parfum Pour Les Corps.

so my charger broke.
and its ridiculous... wires everywhere, frusteration.
i backed over a blue post with the Tank... pulled off my front bumper. the dictator screwed it back on by A: pushing my tank into a dumper to pop the bumper on, B: using washers and screws and a drill to hold the bumper in place, 6 to be exact, and C: making me a frankinstein car. ROCK ON.

ive also been educating myself, of course. can you say, toni morrison? best author ever... im captivated by Song Of Solomon. i really am. it is so provoking... its like listening to her speak. if anybodys ever heard her speak, you understand how magnifiecent it is just to hear her. i wish i could bottle her voice. just, carry it around and use it if i need to capitvate a certain person out there, you know, one of those puzzle pieces. woot.

that, my marketing friends, is what you need to sell me. Eau de toni. i will buy, buy some more, and keep on buying. i'll never stop!

Sitting up at twelve thirty. Went into my room to find my cat. Realization hits. Sat on the couch. Cried so hard. It hurts so bad.