Putting the Pieces Together.

Im really stuck trying to figure out this puzzle called life. I get this somewhat. Im optemistic. We will see.

Xmas Time is Here

Im sitting next to my dictator at the xmas gathering. Hes pretty sweet... Eats a lot of cake. My kind of dad.

Dealing.

You know how people notice when something is wrong and asks about it? If some one asked me, i would say, 'you wouldnt understand'. This has been my worst month ever with brilliant highlights. I cant get over it. Im stuck in this rut and i dont know if i will ever get out of it. It hurts. My heart literally hurts. I cant take it. I hate being awake. I want to stay asleep and not deal with this life.


I just cant get over it.

BroKen.

God ive cried so much today. Between xmas family shit and stress and frustration and them being gone i just broke. And now they just told me they took them somewhere else where i cant visit them now. We are at ayden's friends house, he just found out and i held him.

The Things We Feel

As a nation, our bodies absorb it all. as a unit, we function horribly. i find myself one of the mass, fluidity controlling movement.
i absorb the lies and wails and laughs and cheats into my skin. the ink stamp stains my forehead. we walk. we trudge. we go on this long, vicious path to what seems right for us, towards the meeting ground of calm. tranquility.

i have none here.

my mind weaves in and out of rational. i try to live these dreams that have no meaning. no purpose. and if they do, why cant i see them? why am i hitting these roadblocks? why cant i find meaning! why am i lost!
i want to sleep better. i want to feel better. i wanna be worth something.

so i sit in these corners trying to piece together this puzzle i have been given. just life, in general. no love, no drama no grades complicate: its just this life. the purpose. and i dont like waiting.

TRAPPED IN STORM

Winds howl and the open lights come upon a face so lined with worry and stress it seems as if the world is falling and nothing really matters nothing really matters anymore; lost in this stream of conciousness brings closer and closer the destruction of the subhuman and evil mind which tires the mind waves to fall into a deep slumber and the show just falls falling upon stone steps and stone minds and stone hearts. are we all stone? stone stone stone the wind howls as it whips my hair in my face whips the curl in my cheeks and i miss the way things used to be and miss the things could have been and what it all will be. im anxious for the spiral down of the wind and the quiet whispers it will now have to endure when i start ignoring my existance and the problems in the world.
welcome to the stream. you have been warned.

Sweet Victory!

I GOT MY LICENSE I GOT MY LICENSE

on that note, it was a pretty bittersweet day. you have (example one) me finding out i did not in fact get the part i wanted, but a lesser (and fun) role. i mean, its a really fun role... i just dont really want it. i studied for the other one... well my license high has got me so happy that i just dont care at this point. i will keep my mouth shut. and be recognised as great in College.

The Flower had to pick me up. the E. Bunny and the Soprano were not the happiest campers. Poor Your Favorite Movie: he didnt even get a part. damn. today the most used word from the soprano was "Sucks".

So driving for the first time is a liberating thing. i mean, i left my house when i felt like it, jumped in the car, arranged my otter on my dash board, plugged in my iPod, and sang at the top of my lungs as i drove to school for my choir concert. i had the biggest cheesiest grin on my face ever. it made the week better. it made my month better. im free. IM FREE! and i topped it off at the Tim Hortons with a mint hot chocolate and chili :)

Love you all.

FAIL.

Yes. I have failed. And im just so tired. I am just so tired.

Those Days.

You know those days you wake up and you want to scream. i woke up this morning like BLAH. why am i awake? why? i know today isnt going to be the best day. i feel it in the air. i feel it in my bones. i feel it in my breath and my ankles and my clothes and my rings and my coffee. its like, so many freaking signs that are flashing neon NO DONT WAKE UP NO DONT WAKE UP at me and im still freaking doing it!!!

im just tired. im tired of fighting. im tired of trying to fight. i wish i could lay down and just let it all happen. but we all know life doesnt work like that.

so i just got back from the gym. thank god. i feel so much better. all that frusteration: its out the window for now. the dance audtions are tomorrow. and here comes the major screw up. bring it on.

Slaves to the DJ and Out Of Control.

You know those days you wake up dreading the start to your day, and when you're in the mist of this day, you realize its going to be okay? Yeah. Welcome to that day.

Yesterday was the Central Area Thespian Conference. Joyous day. except that we had no cell phone service in the entire Bexley School. None of the moms could get a hold of their teens... which led to screaming. The Microphone and her sister got it first, then E. Bunny did, then the Passport and finally me. The Chef was pissed, rightly so, but i was tired and sick and she was just sick and tired. that never can go the right way. so it was just a clash, but E. Bunny gave me a ride home in her Bug, and i ate sushi and watched movies, texting the Bassist and the Flower.

I am happy to have those people. i especially am thankful for the Flower lately; she keeps my head on and controls me so i cease from planning to commit murder. thats a great talent. it takes a lot to do that. in turn, i help her get those too organized thoughts in slaker mode, while being a bad influence upon her. it does some good to be a bad influence. my theory is that i just want to have fun. i mean, im in high school and about to go to college. might as well get it all out so can settle down and not be a bad influence on my kids... wait. what if i encourage them to go ahead and live it up? i guess its inevitable that i be a bad influence.

"did you know that there are people in the world annoyed with all the other people in the world? and of all these angry people in the world, i am the angryest boy!!!!" - Hate Everyone by Say Anything.

i will be working today. i am a manager, but the upper levels have to be annoyed by me, and i admit i have been dragging my feet lately. its so tiring. i just dont have as much crazy determined work ethic that i used to. im trying. i just have so much otherwise on my mind. this weird obsession i have right now to be amazing on that stage is overtaking me. SAVE ME. its insane. its all i think about. for god's sake, i am not even thinking about guys! im seventeen! shouldnt i be more intent for a bf?
im the girl going, oh, you want to date? no, im good. i have an audtion next week. im lame. im so lame and its kay, because this is the rush i need. i dont need to be accepted by boys because of my daddy issues. my daddy issues have only spurred me to want to be called amazing and preety while im on the stage...

and in a couple of ways, that is worse.

Under the Influence....

"If i had my way you would still be stuck on me. But when i rock myself to sleep, i dream of you... again."

I must be under the influence of the sleepiness. i must be. i feel hazy. this sinus pressure against my skull from this build up has got my vision wanting to fall and close upon itself. It must be this week. this week ive been having. ohh, the week.

"YOu know that you tore my hearttt, did just what i always thought."

This is a pretty awesome, saw it on So You Think You Can Dance. it makes me wanna tango. and its playing on my iPod as we speak, reader. Its amazing, i highly recommend it.

"Some where your fast alseep, i hope youre tierrifeid!!! One long nightmare cuz you tore my heart!" Oona.

You know what they say when your on some type of drug, you get really dependant on it to function and survive. it Seems to me, they must be smoking words. and my drug? i have many. Lets try sushi and coffee. Food. and yes, of course the stage.

What do other people have? I have this theory that a conspiracy is brewing. Seems like we seem to be really dependant on this thing we all call Air. yes. you heard me right. AIR. without it we die. we are dependant.

IF i were a stoner, i would tell you to put that in your pipe and smoke it. IF i were a gansta, i would tell you smoke that m************** conspiracy, brother!! IF i were a rich man, i would just be smiling.

But since I am me, i say: "Have fun being under the influence of LIFE".

When My Glasses Fog Up

Today was a pretty straight forward day. i had tissues in every pocket (feeling a bit under the weather) and everytime i look down the bricks that are my mucus slam into my face. YAY! So, besides the constant sniffing and the threats of the inevitable disposition of my cats, i guess it was okay. i really hoped to come home and chill (like now) but soon i know the house will come alive when the Chef and the Butterfly and the Pokemon Master come home, and at five i have to be present at work with this hell of a cold.

AT LEAST, it is not Monday. Monday, i have the audtion which determines fate about the school musical, Once On This Island. and i want the lead (naturally) and have been researching and singing my audtion song since October. Strange, you say? no. i actually like to be determinded to get a role. it shows how fierce i am able to be. respectable. comending. So i have a goal. big deal... i know what i want and i want it when i want it. selfish, yes. but i cant help it. i dream about the role, for Christ's sake! i see myself singing. i see a spotlight. and i see those professors from Miami cheering for me. i feel it in my bones. im going to project that feeling out...!

TOday, the Smile asked me to change her name to the Energizer Bunny... i shall now refer to this sweet and insane girl as E. Bunny. So E. Bunny and Microphone are planning to hang out at the zoo tommarrow... i really want to you. however, the Bassist's parents are driving me and i dont know if i will have a ride. oh jeez. tired Mari. Tired tired Mari.

Me and E. Bunny in the Eight Grade. Look at those braces!!!! Actually she looks a bit scared of me!

I started Medusa today, that picture on my earlier post. its going to be insane! My art teacher really likes the graphic. i shall change it to be me!!!

Work tonight. Managing is a mean thing but at least i can get paid somewhat in ice cream. life goes on. and on and on and on... E. Bunny will be proud of me.


SO, frusteration and angst and violence and tissues and smiles and pain and antisipation and sleeping and ice cream for honor roll made up my day. yes, ice cream. those with a 3.0 and up get ice cream sundaes at lunch!!! you know your jelous. it comes like, once a year. the entire school gets really sugared up and i know those afternoon teachers just LOVE us. Sorry teachers. we got ICE CREAM.

Medusa. Period.

Everyone hear about the gorgon Medusa? Greek Mythology? hmmm? One look at this chick, and you would turn to stone.

Wanna know something scary?

I sorta think i may be her. Reincarnation. Reincarnation is a bitch. Because if it's true... i am going to be beheaded by a War Hero named Perseus and used as a weapon on a Greek Goddess's Shield.

Okay, before we jump to some crazy conclusions here, lets actually sit and think about this, reader.
Im an actress. I like to get up on that stage and share some art. Its my life. i feel complete up there... and i strive to turn people to stone. to freeze them and have them watch me in awe. I turn people to stone. you see my point?

I feel a calling to paint her. like, spread her out on a canvas and have at it. some splashing and shading and stippling and all that jazz. it would just... pour out of my finger tips. oooh the feeling of the brush in my hand. and the colors. and the grays and the greens and the reds!...do you have goosebumps also?



( )

ok. you know she is kinda cool looking. and my hair is crazy, just not AS crazy. and it doesnt bite. but it is known to hide and hold pencils!

So im texting as i write this. i dont know what my friends will think if i write their names, so i will call him The Bassist.

matter of fact, here is a list of them that might pop up:
The Bassist
The Flower
The Soprano
The Chili Pepper
The Truck
The Passport
The Suburu Driver
The Sewing Shear
The Candle
The Smile
The Piano
The Guitarist
The Microphone
The Panda

My Parents:
The Chef
The Dictator

My Siblings:
The Pokemon Master
The Butterfly

Awesome huh?

Well the Bassist is mad at his fam now, and truthfully im tired of it too. i didnt pass my drivers test (maneuverability. embarrassing. i cried. a lot.) and he did. we could be free and driving... but his parents dont really want to let him go, which is understandable to any adult but to us? its EXTREMLY STUPID.
just another one of these things that really get you down.

Oh well. Back to Medusa. im not a feminist. im not a really ( that much) idiotic person. But seriously, turning people to stone really is a talent i aim for. i may have to work on turning them back though... applause? sounds perfect.

So, in my own insane opinion, i believe we actors should all strive to be Medusa. If you are not an actor, well, maybe you guys are destined to be the Perseus. Yes. I believe that is true.