This overwhelming exhastion and underwhelming success must be diminished. I cant take it. Im too tired for it. Must we resort to 'mandatory'? Must i throw away the pieces? Sometimes i feel like the highest person on the mountain, and then i feel like the lowest speck on the bottom of life's shoe. All this rollercoastering is causing this overwhelming urge just to sleep my life away. I yearn to stay awake and try to change it but it is impossibly strong against my will. Theres no changing it. Only enduring. So i will lay here in this cold, dark room, and contemplate jumping off the mountain.

The Barbed Wire Beginnings.

First of all, im starting off saying that i have ben accepted into Miami university of Ohio, and its Fine Arts programmmmm! the crowd goes wild!!!!

so exciting!

but these past few weeks have been pretty nerve racking. the play is coming up, the black history month presentation is coming up, and all these memories are flooding back and its hard to deal with them. first of all, im impatient, and being impatient just catalyzes the craziness i feel. seriously. all the complications come from this jelously that i want things to be nice and smooth, not strewn all over and discombobulated. thats life.

its barbed wire.

my obsession sophomore year, which led to a downfall, which led to words left unsaid and the grudgingly movers. how does one withhold the barbed wire? i used to draw it all over my skin, all on my hands, along with the blue hearts and the black hearts. blue hearts dont fade. black hearts absorb all the pain. i did and it hurt me and it always will. but this going back to the beginning is haunting me in my sleep...however, all i want to do is sleep.

im a confused little girl. all these thoughts come and go and i get angry then sad then so, so happy.
I think thats why i love doing puzzles so much. its all mayham and anger... and then it all comes together with such a beautiful cadence my heart sings. its calm. i can control it.

in ap lit, we have started Hamlet. maybe shakespeare will calm my anxious mind... bandaging these barbed wire obsessions that come along with this puzzle.

dah duh. dah duh.

dah duh dah duh dah duh dah duh...... wheres the duhdadadaduh?

waiting. wishing and a hopin and a prayin. when all the signs seem right it is eerily scary to me. but, is it meant to be? if you believe in naturalism, you know its coming inevititably.... has my time come yet?

i need to breathe. relax.

hmmmm

Flash back to my sophomore year. I was an idiot. But now, things fall into place, and a possible puzzle piece comes. I wonder. Hmmm. Excited, arnt we.
*Mari-ocity!*

DOWN WITH COMPLICATION

I dont know what it is about the complicated things in life that we face and our tendancy to gladly put them off of our path to our goals. Personally, i believe all things complicated should be deleted... Wait. That means i would be deleted.

Trying to Deal

Trying to deal... Somethings, like the puzzle, just dont seem important anymore. And i try but i cant stop thinking how lonely i feel at night without them here anymore. Its quiet and cold. I cant sleep without a soft robe. I just cant sleep.

Momos, after sledding fun: in the bathroom, fixng my hair, looking at mirror, runs into corner of wall, smacing hand in mouth. Huge bruise. Line down face.

Sledding to be Placed on YouTube

a bunch of us are meeting at seven pm for an exhilerating sled fest. it shall be extrordinary.
Im going to pick up the bassist, the flower and the chili pepper, and shall meet the soprano, the e. bunny, the microphone, the subaru driver, the candle, the truck, the dog techie, and most likely one of the puzzle pieces. there might be more, all i know is the panda cancelled and the guitarist and the alto are not because the guitarist is sick. hmmmm.

i find this quite entertaining that a bunch of teenagers are going to meet in the dark to sled. i think its quite fun.... im excited, not only because i get to spend yet another amazing night with my insane pals, but i also get to potentially kill myself ;)

so i had this insane dream... to the point i woke up thinking it was real.
i was sitting in a room with the chef, and she decided we were going to my aunts house. we walked over with a plate of mace cookies. when i got in, i said my hellos and i heard a meow... my past cats ran up to me, rubbing themselves against me, and i cried, "oh my god, you arnt gone, you arnt dead!" and the chef told me that she couldnt bare to see me so lonely, and how horrible did i think she was? she had sent them here, so they were close but not in her house. i cried i was so happy. i felt sasha's whiskers and her fur and the warmth ive longed for so much... and i woke with a start to the chef and the butterfly smiling at me... after they walked out, i lay back and i felt like the rollercoaster was over as i came to the realization that i would never, ever, ever feel the warmth of her fur again... god im tearing up right now. im ripping apart into separate pieces because they have my heart. and ill never get it back.

besides the underlying vien of frusteration and depression, im so happy with my life right now, its all coming and going and speeding along. thank god. i swear.

Parfum Pour Les Corps.

so my charger broke.
and its ridiculous... wires everywhere, frusteration.
i backed over a blue post with the Tank... pulled off my front bumper. the dictator screwed it back on by A: pushing my tank into a dumper to pop the bumper on, B: using washers and screws and a drill to hold the bumper in place, 6 to be exact, and C: making me a frankinstein car. ROCK ON.

ive also been educating myself, of course. can you say, toni morrison? best author ever... im captivated by Song Of Solomon. i really am. it is so provoking... its like listening to her speak. if anybodys ever heard her speak, you understand how magnifiecent it is just to hear her. i wish i could bottle her voice. just, carry it around and use it if i need to capitvate a certain person out there, you know, one of those puzzle pieces. woot.

that, my marketing friends, is what you need to sell me. Eau de toni. i will buy, buy some more, and keep on buying. i'll never stop!

Sitting up at twelve thirty. Went into my room to find my cat. Realization hits. Sat on the couch. Cried so hard. It hurts so bad.