when I get Worried

When I get worried I make a huge deal out of something that isnt important and I dont say anything at all to what is actually a huge deal to me.

Some mysteries in the brain of a woman I will never understand. I am not immune.

Further Down

Because I said what I said, I am even more unhappy than i thought it would be. I need to take things one step at a time. I'm so alone.

Down.

I was on this happy high of life because I felt so confident. And then i realize, I cut my life off for you, but I dont get i back. I am settling because I am afraid to go further and to lose you. and now that I have told you.

Well.

It just hit me that my life is apparently nothing. because I wont let it be what I want it to be.

All of a sudden I feel so. alone. because everyone else I know has that support of arms and heart, and I am so far. and there is no compromise. and I let myself lower myself because I thought I was happy.

I think I am happy.
am I?

Waiting.

My mother was right when she said love is about patience. I've only seen my love four times this semester in person. and I have to wait until Sunday to be able to see him for an hour. But after all that waiting and pain, those moments turn out to be some of the best memories of my life.

I will sleep with a smile on my face because of this opening night

Tricking for Treating

Can one trick the body into being what it wants to be?

For instance, can I trick my body into feeling full? Can I trick my mind into being free? Can I trick my skin into being clear? Can I trick my lips not to chap?

Illusions seem to be the best thing for people. It keeps the world turning: the influence and illusions the media plays on us, the illusions our parents pull when trying to hide information, and even the illusion played on us during peek-a-boo.

I want to trick my body into believing I can achieve my goals.

Give It My All

If I am befuddled, stressed, overcome with work, misrable, financially unstable, worthless, struggling, mean and sad- why would i force that onto somebody i love?

I am stable enough, goal oriented, experienced, career driven, successful, happy, anxious to live- wouldnt that be the right time to bind myself to someone for forever? To be able to give them my whole self? to no be worried about grades or image or obligations... just to be worried about normal life? isnt that the greatest gift to give to a husband? yourself?

I will wait. waiting sucks, but i will wait. waiting will make it work. waiting will make me fall deeper and deeper in love each day.

What is My Life?

Procrastination is abolished.
Money slips from my fingers because I can't reign it in.
I am getting tougher.
I am losing my voice.
I am getting good grades... somehow...
I am not getting any sleep.
Everything I thought in my life was good, is not,
and everything i thought was bad is turning to be good.

What is my life?!

Looking Back

Ever recollect on the days you hid in your room, debating whether or not to eat? Debating whether or not to start your day at all? Debating whether to keep on living, or desist?
My mind is a pond. These damn thoughts, like fish, like to travel around it, and if they get too close to the shore, i remember. if the Koi fish in my brain merely brushes against the seaweed, i remember those dark days when I didn't know who I was. I remember flashes of this time. i cannot fully recollect it all, because i don't think I was actually awake for most of last year.
I remember darkness. I remember a lot of shadows. I remember vices. I definitely remember the pain, both emotionally, physically and mentally. How painful that was.

But I am slowly starving my Koi memories. They are slowly dying off, as I lose these memories scale by scale. it is sad to see such beautiful creatures leave me, but it is for the best. i refuse to be a disaster again.

Questioning my aim

I want to act. I want to design.
I want to bake. I want to paint.
I want to write. I want to own.

I want to scream.
I want it all.

Desensitized. Conformed.

There is an extreme want to control the uncontrollable
Not sob over the excruciating pain,
to not wonder about my wandering mind,
and forget about the unforgettable.

To the outside world it seems like selfishness-
The cold, heartless brother of Greed and Lust
but inside, it burns like a hole in my intestines.
The Grim Reaper of knives hides within.

I ignore and ignore, because facing the trouble
would mean I could not remain confident
and let many individuals down. I couldn't
market myself to seem better all around me.

So the spark in my life is a secret I bare,
but i refuse to come into terms with it, because the shame,
or lack of it, would ruin me. I would face it,
and i would crumple to the ground.

My past outlets have been painful, to myself and
to the ones i love but can't show it too.
My new strikes suddenly at opportunities, and
I am so desensitized from it, it consumes me.

To you, you would say i am insane, without stopping to
think you possibly made me this way. To you,
You would wonder, "Why didn't you ask for help?"
And you? You would be surprized, and continue to be

The cause.

This is my life now, this lonely yet inhabited place
which i live within my mind, but refuse to confront my
sickness. Refuse to uphold my judgements. Refuse to
go back to the way I was, scared and uncontrollable.

I can't remember parts of my life these days. Everyone
else can. Why can't i remember? My body would crumple
if i could remember, all the times that should have been
but did not happen. I can still walk and run.

I feel like I have reached a new strength, a new
weakness. You cant understand what I have been through.
If I showed you, it would destroy ALL of you,
and its the last thing I would ever want to do,
as i love you.

If only you could get past yourself and realize that.
I can't change. I tried. and it hurt.
No. More.

Ahhh, Life.

It's the first time I have ever had my name at the top of a cast list.

Why?

One friend going into surgery. One finds he is deathly ill. My heart hurts

Homelessness is Prevalent

I've lost all nostalgia. I feel lost. I've been sitting and thinking I need to escape. I'm not happy here anymore.

I miss my cats.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Honestly I hate my life so much right now its unbearable

Father's day makes me bitter and sweet

Sometimes...

Sometimes i feel so confused. I wish i could understand people... but i am pretty sure none of them understand themselves.

Ok I am honestly starting to believe I would be better off dead. Cool.

My Pain Is Your Gain

Um. Bruises, splints and medication, oh my?

That Moment

You know that moment when you realize that your world has settled itself into the place that you hoped it wouldnt be, and stuck itself on the bookcase in your room for you to stare at every night before you go to bed?

I am questioning things now. i realize i'm forgiving and forgetting way to easily, but that is who i am now under those circumstances. I'm starting to look around, and its making me both fasinated and terrified to open my eyes.

And I can't stop sleeping. we know why, i have always known why, but i keep trying to keep myself from sleeping because i cant avoid m problems, and in the end i succum to them and start to dream. wtf.

Fuck these moments. They tire me out.

Like I said, Ruined My Day

I honestly feel like I am doing the right thing by moving on. But I feel like I am leaving a bit of myself behind. Some of the best experiences happened there. I climbed on roofs, found myself as a leader, had a romance or two, and made some pretty cakes. I'm angry that it ended like this, messing up my summer and my self confidence and my pride. It bruised my heart, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. My life changed in two minutes. And it won't be the same again.

Ruined My Day

Hard conversations are happening. I don't want to sue anyone, but I want them to be ashamed.

Currently missing one forth of my eyebrow. I sneezed. Fml.

The Worst Thing

I honestly wonder if saying that I was strong enough was a good idea. I am attempting to tell my feelings, but no one seems to listen unless they are stuck a room with me being paid to hear me rant. Everyone hears the wrong thing, puts words in my mouth or looks down on me. They don't realize I'm sick. They don't realize it's not my fault even when it really seems it is. Honestly, it's not my fault. To think I like feeling this way? You think I wanna do the things I do? I guarantee it hurts me more than it hurts you.

So used to living in a dream state. When reality hits, you have to truly ask yourself: is all this worth it?

Smiling

The awkwardness of a glance that's retracted
Space differences sway
I miss the way your hair falls
into your eyes
And your laughs each passing day.

When I don't hear from you, my first instinct is to
Contact you.
You inspire poems and day dreams.

Ah. The memories live on of lazy sundays and slow random afternoons.

The One Thing I Want

Even though I complain
Even though I always hesitate
I just want to come back to College
next year
and the year after.

MY 4/20.

You know that feeling of being betrayed and talked about behind your back for a while when you thought you were getting along with everyone and was finally fitting into your envoirnment?
Yeah.
Welcome to my last two weeks of freshman year.

Madusa Forgotten.

Wtf Madusa? Where have you been? I swear you used to be the influence of my painting, and now, you've been gone from my thoughts...

I still want to paralyze the audience with my gaze. i still want to paralyze with my influence.

I need a little more Madusa in my life again it seems.

She-Murderer.

Was just entertained by reading wikipedia's list of female serial killers... Females are not as unique and deranged as males can be. In my opinion.
They fall into four catagories: accomplice, nursery home mercy killer, children/husband killers, or physic/cult fantiac...
I don't know why this bothers me but feminists must be disgusted with female serial killers... They honestly do have a profile. Nothing extremely unique. Don't ask me how i would function as one, but I think mine would be like a musical: every one has something a little different.

The People Around Me

So much drama in a little space...
One day, it will all combust upon itself.
The catayst to it is raging around me...
Headache. major headache.

My Damned Body

My body likes to hold back sicknesses until after performances... However, this time, my body is not used to two weekends of performances. I wish my body was smarter... it needs to know that i still need it!

it's not time to shut down yet!!!

Reign It In.

After all, I did idolize you.

After the downpour of unconcentrated,

uncentered,

unforseeable hatred fell upon me

I began to lose my way and

cried everytime I began to cave in upon myself,

resembling a crumpled mess of fabric in the corner where I was

abandoned, picked up, abandoned, picked up.

Will I ever tell you how much you've hurt and helped me in my journey? No. Because in telling, I will burst into

a million pieces at your face of speaking

aloud my silent pain.

If your not stable, I'm not stable.

I've kept it inside of me so long its fused itself

into my intestines and

buried itself into my brain

and grew into my nerves.

It causes my hands to shake and nausea.

It causes me to ignore everything and anything,

and supress it when it begs to be let out.

And the worst part is that it is not you.

The worst part is that you don't know your doing it.

And when you do, I know its not actually you,

but someone else inside of you trying to break free.

So simple, yet so complex.

I will keep it to myself as that is my way of life.

I just hope you're fixed before I lose myself.

For the things that don't kill us don't make us stronger:

they only deterioate our minds until our body has to end the pain.

WIZ Weekend

intresting weekend. Ridiculous. The first weekend of my first procduction in College is over. We all have stories, pictures, and tummy aches to prove it (thank DP DOugh and Chipotle). We all are sleep deprived and extremely proud of ourselves. All are excited for the future. All are terrified for the future.

The things i do, the feeling fades, and all i wanna do, is burn it away.

Microbiology class on infectious diseases is cruel to me this month... Makes me worry about him more and more.

Some dance to remember... Some dance to forget

Pretty sure i broke the "kichen uses" rule...

I should write a newer 'new heloise'... Rousseau is still accessible to me, right!

It is literally the worst feeling in the world to want to belong somewhere so bad, but it just doesnt work. You want be be there and support, but it kills you to do so. Its a toxic enviorment, realized or not, and its literaly breaking you down further than yo have ever been before. The people who are supposted to lift me up and slowly bringing me down unknowlingly. And it hurts.

Comfort Food

In a family crisis moment, all i wanna do is cook for everyone clean for everyone, and make everybody comfortable. Even as i sit in rehearsal gliding on a sea of panic for my littlw brother and cntemplating the demise of my nuclear family, all i can recall is the recipe for an amazing breakfast cassarole i am aching to make.

One of the funnest days of my life cmes to a complete halt when i find out my brother is in the ER.

Sleeping the time away...

See those people
Up on that stage?

That will be me
someday

I sweare my facebook is stalking my texts... My horoscope always matches up with my day, no matter what. Its freaking me out. Six days in a row, exclusion one day.

I am falling asleep to
The shirt that you left here,
Encased with your scent.

I am falling asleep to
Your cologne you lost here,
Memories of romantic nights.

All i need is you
Physically here beside me.
That would make my life and love
Perfect.

Scar Tissue, Bionary Fission.

Choose a scar upon my skin, marking, dent or jagged color,
i will inform you of when i got it.
whether it was following a trend, a cause of weather, a cause of myself,
they paint a picture of myself.
some pictures are of happy days,
accidently grazing a window,
slicing a finger on a Blizzard machine.
some are burns from misuse or anger.
some are hidden, never to be seen,
disguesed from the world because of the pain they represent.
some are plain as sunshine in summer, but unseen:
no one cares enough to get close enough to look.

scars, do you see how you've effected my life?
purposeful or not, you became a defective part of my being,
which i care about and i disregard.
although eyes search and discover and study,
do they understand?
i dont think anyone ever will, considering i do not know
myself;
they are so prevalent,
i feel
if you trapped me
in an all white room
with all white padding
hugging myself in a vice grip
i would still
somehow discover
how to scar myself,
willingly or unwillingly.

Another Sunday, Another Saturday Night.

Tired of being fucking alone in my room. Tired of wanting to be here, wanting to learn, but having a rollercoaster whoismyfriend? Social life. Tired of wanting to go home but anting to be free. I'll stay like this forever, i guess. And continue to speak easy.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but i think its just making me not like you.

ugh

Goddammit, why is irrelevant that i am relevent?

You know you need more coffee when you accidently walk into the boys bathroom in Irving hall to blow your nose, wondering for a full 30 secs why all the girls are so mannish.

Anxity

In rehearsal. My anxity is so great tonight, that i have completly split four of my nails in half with my teeth. Everyone is speaking, and i long to be too, but today it feels like i am alone, and everyone is looking at me, examining me, and judging me when i am not looking at them. I should have worn a more confortable shirt.

French Cinema.

Yes, i have fallen in love with French Cinema. all the more reason for me to go to france, and perhaps return.

The Curve.

Egotistically, i told your ego to swell, and
in turn, mine dropped.
Selfishly, you told my selfishness to disappear, and
in turn, yours vanished.
The pictures in the frames can't hold
our smiles much longer.
they are too gigantic, and the
onlookers can't help but be enchanted by infectious
grins.

i fall into a trance
at the curve of your eyebrows,
the dollop of hair on your chin,
the length of your calves.
i hold you, enclose you, and
i can close my eyes in peace.
Even if i have no idea who i am
anytime of any day
at that moment when you kiss my forehead
i know who i am.
I am yours.

This Weekend.

This weekend, i fell in love with him all over again.

I am torn. The future is very up in the air right now. Do i spend the rest of my life in debt and happy, or with those i am close to, with an opportunity for a easier life? Can i give up my dreams? Is this even my dream, or am i too young to know?

Hungover on sleeping pills. What the hell.

My ceramics teacher should have been a therapist. He just explained to me and the class my personality better than i ever could articulate just by looking at my ceramics work! I am crazy, but extremly organized and in order, as seen by the balaced elements in my work. Heimagins that where i live, som roms r very clean and some are messy. I then tried to talk about my work, he then commented i must not like to talk about my feelings at all. Hahahah!

Today is actualy becoming an amazing day :)

Straight up fact i just read: coffee drinkers have more sex than non coffee drinkers. And they enjoy it more.

....

Just fuck your artistic mind.
FUCK it.

I Need New.

I need new something. New clothes, new attitude, new drugs? new SOMETHINGS. whatever will make me feel better, feel like i am ME again...

I haven't felt like myself in ages... actually, i dont even know if i was ever myself. i wonder if i have always been a lie.
Have i always been a lie?

Sleep deprived mari has paninis.

Wow.

The air weighs a ton.

Incredibly Focused.

We say we are focused,
we mean we are focused,
we grasp onto the idea of being focused...

but when you actually believe in something
you find out that its false.
false.
false.

and that is how the world's religions fall
that is how relationships fall
because we all start focusing on focusing
and it all just becomes one
screwed up, knotted up, twisted mess on the floor
covered in your attempts and wishes.

i hate being focused almost as much as me
not being focused.

So incredibly focused i stay.

Most ackward awakening of my life

dont hide.

smile like you mean it.

College will be the death of me.

Oh, college.

More Word Vomit.

I miss the intoxication
Of the voices
In my head.

I miss how you felt
When, in a haze, i jabbed
You into my quivering arm.

You filled my veins like fluid dripping
down pipes.
Sat on my tongue at Woodstock.

I guess i got to go rehab for you
And every other person i know
Because they all have me addicted

To their voices, their opinions.
But i miss inhaling your sweet scent
And having hallucinations of future.

And this withdrawl im having, well,
Detox is not an easy expierence...
I'll be thowing you out of my mind
Over and over again.