bricks.

Im running and all i keep doing is getthng pulled back by invisible ropes while running into a brick wall. Rawr!

My life is all hot fudge sundaes, hamlet and telling the story. Im tired.

Oh my tortured, tortured mind. Stuck between what quiet people do and what is right.

The Cause of Dreams, Jan 3, 09

Found this the other day.....

I dreamt last night that
i was flying-
when i woke up it was true.
my mind was lost,
my body floating.
i think i did or took
something that caused this.

i dreamt last night that
i was alone-
when i woke up i found it was true.
an unmade bed, a broken heart
the shattered remains of
a soul, something.
what caused this?

I dreamt that last night
i had him-
when i woke up it was'nt true.
he had never held my hand,
smelled my hair.
he was a million miles away
and somehow that mattered
more than it did
before.
what caused this?

last night, i dreamt
i had died-
when i woke up i found i was dead.
i had nothing, alone, not him. im flying
hoping i'll crash soon
because it feels so right, this dying.
what caused this?

I thought it was quite funny to take a look back and see what i wrote when i believed i was in extreme pain... i can't even remember why i wrote this. goes to show you, nothing that happens to you must be a big deal.
you know those days you stopped in the middle of your activity, took a deep breath, and said, "i will never forget this day."?
usually i dont. but these days, i feel i have.

Rapacious.

We are reading Hamlet in Ap Lit. all i can think about is poetry.... i went on a blank verse rant for my own soliloquy. Hamlet Act 3 Scene 3.

Life just keeps going on and im frusterated as ever. i just cant help this frusteration now. its tiring!!!! oh well. we will just keep tredging on in the puzzle called life... lately, the picture has been more complicated then i can imagine.

This overwhelming exhastion and underwhelming success must be diminished. I cant take it. Im too tired for it. Must we resort to 'mandatory'? Must i throw away the pieces? Sometimes i feel like the highest person on the mountain, and then i feel like the lowest speck on the bottom of life's shoe. All this rollercoastering is causing this overwhelming urge just to sleep my life away. I yearn to stay awake and try to change it but it is impossibly strong against my will. Theres no changing it. Only enduring. So i will lay here in this cold, dark room, and contemplate jumping off the mountain.

The Barbed Wire Beginnings.

First of all, im starting off saying that i have ben accepted into Miami university of Ohio, and its Fine Arts programmmmm! the crowd goes wild!!!!

so exciting!

but these past few weeks have been pretty nerve racking. the play is coming up, the black history month presentation is coming up, and all these memories are flooding back and its hard to deal with them. first of all, im impatient, and being impatient just catalyzes the craziness i feel. seriously. all the complications come from this jelously that i want things to be nice and smooth, not strewn all over and discombobulated. thats life.

its barbed wire.

my obsession sophomore year, which led to a downfall, which led to words left unsaid and the grudgingly movers. how does one withhold the barbed wire? i used to draw it all over my skin, all on my hands, along with the blue hearts and the black hearts. blue hearts dont fade. black hearts absorb all the pain. i did and it hurt me and it always will. but this going back to the beginning is haunting me in my sleep...however, all i want to do is sleep.

im a confused little girl. all these thoughts come and go and i get angry then sad then so, so happy.
I think thats why i love doing puzzles so much. its all mayham and anger... and then it all comes together with such a beautiful cadence my heart sings. its calm. i can control it.

in ap lit, we have started Hamlet. maybe shakespeare will calm my anxious mind... bandaging these barbed wire obsessions that come along with this puzzle.