Normal

I wish I was a normal girl. With a want to be loved, and give love. With a want to give birth early, and give more love. To look at a ring on a finger and be happy that it is there.
But in place of that, I want a paintbrush in my hand. I want to give birth to a costume. I want to learn. I want to experience people and places and learn. I love to learn. So I will learn.
I have to hurt in the process. I have to hurt people in the process. And I will be victorious. And then I will have time to become a girl. Right now, I have to deal with being me.

Gluten?

I've been having some problems lately, and I may thinki m intolerable to gluten, so today was my first day gluten free. I didnt realize how many things I would really miss though... like muffins. And pasta. And cake. UGH! but I am pretty heathy and I feel good... so... lets see how this week goes.

When You Go

When you go
You will take a part of me with you
and its not necessarily a part I wanted you to take.

My home has been less of a home
These past couple of years
and without you in it, its no longer a home.

I feel like its nothing new
Yet I feel its too different for me right now, and I
Have to be a jerk and ignore it.

I try and I try to forget about
what the environment is coming to,
However, indifference, has stopped coming easily.

I am great at straight faces,
avert the eyes and gaze down, but when I leave, walk
out the door, I lose the battle.

The sting in my eyes makes me stop
I merely breathe a bit faster
then go on, barely able, but I keep going.

When you go,
You will take a part of us with you
And its what I know is necessary, you will take.

HMMM

Making headway on the career path. Taking some time to think about my emotional paths these days. It makes sense, but doesnt make sense. Hmmm.

Insane Life

I had to write a bio to put in a program for my first scenic design, realized. I realized how long and impressive it was. And I realized how much was missing. Does that mean I am doing well? Oh dear god, I hope I am on the right track.

Emotional Day

Today, I am unreasonably emotional. I think it is because last year at this time I was in a dark place, and now I am in a great place of my life. I had some friends who are not friends anymore, and am still friends with some, grew close to them. some that I have are very new, and I am so thankful. It just puts things into perspective that life does get better. But I am going to miss my friends so much this summer, but now that we are grown we can visit each other because we enjoy eachothers company so much. Gah. I am so glad I am not graduating, I would be a mess.

It's Funny

Its funny when the things you thought you wanted to happen, you get, and it isn't as good as you thought it would be. Its even funnier when you get the things you wanted, and they are pretty much the best thing you could ask for. My life right now is a spin of discoveries, triumphs, and funny realizations. This environment around me is influencing me to be who I have always wanted to be when I grew up. I guess its possible I am growing up lately... ugh. Twenty. Twenty is so old. Im not longer a teenager, and just in this past month of me being twenty, I feel like I haven't been who I was as a teenager. I find that so strange.

Sometimes I just lay here and watch the shadows move across the walls.

My Body's Response to Failure

Inspiration seeps out of my pores onto my skin and into my clothes.
Perception of the word drips down my back into my waistband.
Interception of critism becomes my beta blocker, only absorbs praise.
Serration of the words uttered becomes suddenly music to my ears.
Implantation of ideas is the air I breathe, the breeze I feel.

you can't bring me down. I am surrounded by the win. I am consumed by my want.

I am defined by myself.

"Cheap wine and cigarettes/ this place is always such a mess/ sometimes I think I'd like to sit and watch it burn."

no Fucks to give

Living without caring what everyone thinks is so freeing to the body. you smile when you want, ignore those who annoy you, and be selfish for a while. while giving no fucks, you are driven towards your goal of being the best you can be. Not caring about it all does not mean you dont care about humans, you just dont care if you are being judged for your actions or your goals, and it makes you a supremly happier person.

It is because i gave all the fucks i could last year. I ran out, and while i was giving them out, I was in extreme pain. now, when I have none left, I feel freed. the new fucks I acquire, I can keep them to myself selfishly... to live for myself. no more fucks to give to the public.

Forever Lonely... lol

That awkward moment you're always the third wheel. I mean, tricycles are cool when all the wheels work together, but after a while, the front wheel realized the two back are pretty close, and you're as shunned as the big girl in Dreamgirls lol

Winter Break

Curls of no return: getting two piercings in painful spots just to feel it and show it off.

Curls of no return: leaving break a week early to go west and present a scene design.

Curls of no return: feeling my heart break a little more at each goodbye.

Keeping calm.

keeping calm. Coffee on. Thread the needle. Tell the story.

If I Hit You With My Car

If I had hit you with my car a coupe of years ago, I think I would hae stopped the car in shock, thought about it, shrugged, and backed over you again. Double tap.