The Sound of You Breathing

All humans breathe, a very natural motion
It regulates your heartbeat, it regulates the mood
As I lay there, listening to your heartbeat,
I hear your breathing, calm, steady in sleep
The world, it's troubles fade away, and I realize
This is what I've always wanted.

There are too many things we take for granted
We take advantage of the mind set of home.
As I lay there, listening to you breathing
The rise and fall of your chest-
I know that's where I always want to be
By your side, in your view, breathing beside you.
This is what I've always wanted.

Did You Ever Write About Me?

A simple question
That makes me smile-
This simple question is very complicated.
Did I ever write anything about you?
Have I ever written anything about you?

When haven't I written about you?

All of those dreams that I produced as a child
Once looked so distant from my grasp
All of those late night cries from
The frustration of thinking I would never feel normal-
The world gave me you.

When haven't I written about you?

Those days when I dazed and thought of your eyes
Those last nights when I pondered the curve of your hand
That day when I could finally close my eyes and feel safe
These memories of wishing I could have told you
And that moment I realized all of the roads in life led to you-

I have always written about you.

Depressing

Even after years of living, I still wish I was normal. I wish I could be in a normal relationship, with normal values. I wish I actually wanted to. I wish I didnt have trust issues. I wish I actually liked relationships!
It's just so difficult for me to actually be normal. I am great at acting like it, but lately, more and more.... I do not want to act anymore. I want to be me, what I believe I should do.
Fuck. And the worst part is I cannot fix it, or even explain it to anyone, anyone in the world, without being the bad guy. Because I am the terrible, heartless, bitch, selfish woman I am.

Normal

I wish I was a normal girl. With a want to be loved, and give love. With a want to give birth early, and give more love. To look at a ring on a finger and be happy that it is there.
But in place of that, I want a paintbrush in my hand. I want to give birth to a costume. I want to learn. I want to experience people and places and learn. I love to learn. So I will learn.
I have to hurt in the process. I have to hurt people in the process. And I will be victorious. And then I will have time to become a girl. Right now, I have to deal with being me.

Gluten?

I've been having some problems lately, and I may thinki m intolerable to gluten, so today was my first day gluten free. I didnt realize how many things I would really miss though... like muffins. And pasta. And cake. UGH! but I am pretty heathy and I feel good... so... lets see how this week goes.

When You Go

When you go
You will take a part of me with you
and its not necessarily a part I wanted you to take.

My home has been less of a home
These past couple of years
and without you in it, its no longer a home.

I feel like its nothing new
Yet I feel its too different for me right now, and I
Have to be a jerk and ignore it.

I try and I try to forget about
what the environment is coming to,
However, indifference, has stopped coming easily.

I am great at straight faces,
avert the eyes and gaze down, but when I leave, walk
out the door, I lose the battle.

The sting in my eyes makes me stop
I merely breathe a bit faster
then go on, barely able, but I keep going.

When you go,
You will take a part of us with you
And its what I know is necessary, you will take.

HMMM

Making headway on the career path. Taking some time to think about my emotional paths these days. It makes sense, but doesnt make sense. Hmmm.

Insane Life

I had to write a bio to put in a program for my first scenic design, realized. I realized how long and impressive it was. And I realized how much was missing. Does that mean I am doing well? Oh dear god, I hope I am on the right track.

Emotional Day

Today, I am unreasonably emotional. I think it is because last year at this time I was in a dark place, and now I am in a great place of my life. I had some friends who are not friends anymore, and am still friends with some, grew close to them. some that I have are very new, and I am so thankful. It just puts things into perspective that life does get better. But I am going to miss my friends so much this summer, but now that we are grown we can visit each other because we enjoy eachothers company so much. Gah. I am so glad I am not graduating, I would be a mess.

It's Funny

Its funny when the things you thought you wanted to happen, you get, and it isn't as good as you thought it would be. Its even funnier when you get the things you wanted, and they are pretty much the best thing you could ask for. My life right now is a spin of discoveries, triumphs, and funny realizations. This environment around me is influencing me to be who I have always wanted to be when I grew up. I guess its possible I am growing up lately... ugh. Twenty. Twenty is so old. Im not longer a teenager, and just in this past month of me being twenty, I feel like I haven't been who I was as a teenager. I find that so strange.