Down.

I was on this happy high of life because I felt so confident. And then i realize, I cut my life off for you, but I dont get i back. I am settling because I am afraid to go further and to lose you. and now that I have told you.

Well.

It just hit me that my life is apparently nothing. because I wont let it be what I want it to be.

All of a sudden I feel so. alone. because everyone else I know has that support of arms and heart, and I am so far. and there is no compromise. and I let myself lower myself because I thought I was happy.

I think I am happy.
am I?

Waiting.

My mother was right when she said love is about patience. I've only seen my love four times this semester in person. and I have to wait until Sunday to be able to see him for an hour. But after all that waiting and pain, those moments turn out to be some of the best memories of my life.

I will sleep with a smile on my face because of this opening night

Tricking for Treating

Can one trick the body into being what it wants to be?

For instance, can I trick my body into feeling full? Can I trick my mind into being free? Can I trick my skin into being clear? Can I trick my lips not to chap?

Illusions seem to be the best thing for people. It keeps the world turning: the influence and illusions the media plays on us, the illusions our parents pull when trying to hide information, and even the illusion played on us during peek-a-boo.

I want to trick my body into believing I can achieve my goals.

Give It My All

If I am befuddled, stressed, overcome with work, misrable, financially unstable, worthless, struggling, mean and sad- why would i force that onto somebody i love?

I am stable enough, goal oriented, experienced, career driven, successful, happy, anxious to live- wouldnt that be the right time to bind myself to someone for forever? To be able to give them my whole self? to no be worried about grades or image or obligations... just to be worried about normal life? isnt that the greatest gift to give to a husband? yourself?

I will wait. waiting sucks, but i will wait. waiting will make it work. waiting will make me fall deeper and deeper in love each day.

What is My Life?

Procrastination is abolished.
Money slips from my fingers because I can't reign it in.
I am getting tougher.
I am losing my voice.
I am getting good grades... somehow...
I am not getting any sleep.
Everything I thought in my life was good, is not,
and everything i thought was bad is turning to be good.

What is my life?!

Looking Back

Ever recollect on the days you hid in your room, debating whether or not to eat? Debating whether or not to start your day at all? Debating whether to keep on living, or desist?
My mind is a pond. These damn thoughts, like fish, like to travel around it, and if they get too close to the shore, i remember. if the Koi fish in my brain merely brushes against the seaweed, i remember those dark days when I didn't know who I was. I remember flashes of this time. i cannot fully recollect it all, because i don't think I was actually awake for most of last year.
I remember darkness. I remember a lot of shadows. I remember vices. I definitely remember the pain, both emotionally, physically and mentally. How painful that was.

But I am slowly starving my Koi memories. They are slowly dying off, as I lose these memories scale by scale. it is sad to see such beautiful creatures leave me, but it is for the best. i refuse to be a disaster again.

Questioning my aim

I want to act. I want to design.
I want to bake. I want to paint.
I want to write. I want to own.

I want to scream.
I want it all.

Desensitized. Conformed.

There is an extreme want to control the uncontrollable
Not sob over the excruciating pain,
to not wonder about my wandering mind,
and forget about the unforgettable.

To the outside world it seems like selfishness-
The cold, heartless brother of Greed and Lust
but inside, it burns like a hole in my intestines.
The Grim Reaper of knives hides within.

I ignore and ignore, because facing the trouble
would mean I could not remain confident
and let many individuals down. I couldn't
market myself to seem better all around me.

So the spark in my life is a secret I bare,
but i refuse to come into terms with it, because the shame,
or lack of it, would ruin me. I would face it,
and i would crumple to the ground.

My past outlets have been painful, to myself and
to the ones i love but can't show it too.
My new strikes suddenly at opportunities, and
I am so desensitized from it, it consumes me.

To you, you would say i am insane, without stopping to
think you possibly made me this way. To you,
You would wonder, "Why didn't you ask for help?"
And you? You would be surprized, and continue to be

The cause.

This is my life now, this lonely yet inhabited place
which i live within my mind, but refuse to confront my
sickness. Refuse to uphold my judgements. Refuse to
go back to the way I was, scared and uncontrollable.

I can't remember parts of my life these days. Everyone
else can. Why can't i remember? My body would crumple
if i could remember, all the times that should have been
but did not happen. I can still walk and run.

I feel like I have reached a new strength, a new
weakness. You cant understand what I have been through.
If I showed you, it would destroy ALL of you,
and its the last thing I would ever want to do,
as i love you.

If only you could get past yourself and realize that.
I can't change. I tried. and it hurt.
No. More.

Ahhh, Life.

It's the first time I have ever had my name at the top of a cast list.