Alone and Lonely. But Why?

I know i belong here at college. but i dont feel like i belong with the people around me. i wish i had friends like i had back in Columbus. but these people are different.

i miss the familiar.

i miss home.

i hope it gets better, it probably will. but for now i feel like the odd one out that everyone thinks is really ackward and selcusive. i'm not like that. why am i acting like i am? its terrible, this feeling. knowing you belong someone but no one else thinks you do.

I hope after these next couple weeks it will heal. i hope so. but probably not. next year it will be better. i wish i just could find a way to cope with this that isnt destructive to myself. it seems everything i do is.

Sigh. i guess being myself around these people and trying to maintain excellence clashes. but i need excellence more than i need myself.

The Elevator in Pearson Hall, 10/20/10

At once i smelled the musty, sharp
acidity of metal on cable
and the walls began to shudder
and become alive.

At once i felt the quake of an
unquakable box and the
resounding high pitched "beep" of the
floors passing over my ankle, my hips, to my head.

At once i feel the panic,
the doors closing in over my face; cold.
cold metal pressing into my epidermis layer of skin
as my knuckles turn white around a metal railing.

At once my knees are locked, too stiff,
lights fliceker before my eyes, beads of sweat,
my thoughts are passionate, deep, shallow, typical,
just as its about to fall, it stops. it opens. i'm out.

I'm a thorough woman.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

irristably drawn to release that....

I've found my biggest pet peeve. people who try to broadcast their talents (or lack thereof) when every they see human lifeforms. i hate it when someone starts randomly singing in a crouwd of people, and the others are so annoyed they just listen. i hate it when the musicisans sit around with their guitars and play loudly, with no respect to the quiet people wanted around them.

true talent is something you should keep to yourself, like a secret, until someone asks for you to unleash it. this is what talent shows and audtions are for.

sure, self expression is awesome. but when you are doing it to simply try to show off or for your own selfish needs, its not talent anymore: its blasphamy.