There is an extreme want to control the uncontrollable
Not sob over the excruciating pain,
to not wonder about my wandering mind,
and forget about the unforgettable.
To the outside world it seems like selfishness-
The cold, heartless brother of Greed and Lust
but inside, it burns like a hole in my intestines.
The Grim Reaper of knives hides within.
I ignore and ignore, because facing the trouble
would mean I could not remain confident
and let many individuals down. I couldn't
market myself to seem better all around me.
So the spark in my life is a secret I bare,
but i refuse to come into terms with it, because the shame,
or lack of it, would ruin me. I would face it,
and i would crumple to the ground.
My past outlets have been painful, to myself and
to the ones i love but can't show it too.
My new strikes suddenly at opportunities, and
I am so desensitized from it, it consumes me.
To you, you would say i am insane, without stopping to
think you possibly made me this way. To you,
You would wonder, "Why didn't you ask for help?"
And you? You would be surprized, and continue to be
The cause.
This is my life now, this lonely yet inhabited place
which i live within my mind, but refuse to confront my
sickness. Refuse to uphold my judgements. Refuse to
go back to the way I was, scared and uncontrollable.
I can't remember parts of my life these days. Everyone
else can. Why can't i remember? My body would crumple
if i could remember, all the times that should have been
but did not happen. I can still walk and run.
I feel like I have reached a new strength, a new
weakness. You cant understand what I have been through.
If I showed you, it would destroy ALL of you,
and its the last thing I would ever want to do,
as i love you.
If only you could get past yourself and realize that.
I can't change. I tried. and it hurt.
No. More.
